My Calloused, Divided Soul--Thanks to Individualism

I have no idea what to write. I only feel within me something like a gigantic inchoate thing, a single word, that seeks expression in many words. I have become calloused on the one hand, and sharp on the other hand in my dealings with people. Accustomed to not receiving love, I am accustomed to not giving love, and even worse, I have come to despise uncensored love. My countenance is not warm and friendly. Why won't I let myself be vulnerable? On the one hand I pride myself in being cold, sharp and abrupt, on the other hand I lament over it seeing that the world is less divine and beautiful because of it. In my failure to to be how I know I should be, the world is less beautiful. I know, that to be soft and loving is higher. At least intellectually I know this, and in my heart, when I stop to come in touch with it there. How I unceasingly criticize humanity and Americans for  their lack of intimacy, their lack of warmth, their superficial concern, their selfishness, and individualism, and yet the opposites of these go against my grain, though my soul yearns for unity, intimacy and interdependence with others! I entered into a battle which I did not realize I had already lost, a battle which I have officially lost by this time. I was not able to retain my vulnerability which I judged ought to be done, and that only if more dared to be vulnerable, the world would be as it should. Instead, I have become heartless, rough and brusque like the rest. Where is my empathy? (Written September 2011).